The Forest

October 18, 2008, the day after Rebekah’s sixth birthday. Rebekah is one of our six grandchildren, all girls, the apples of my eye. She thought she was so big since she had turned six. And yet the world around her still seemed too big at times. 

We went on a family outing to the mountains. Apple picking at the Alta Pass apple orchard was the destination, but lunch would come sooner and a picnic was in order. We stopped at Crabtree Meadows picnic area, drove into the grounds, and found a safe table in the middle area of a road that wound through the park and back out to the main road.

It was very windy and quite cool, but the sky was clear and the mountains were gorgeous. It felt good to walk a ways into the woods and explore what was beyond the immediate picnic area. Suzie and I grew up in the mountains and love to explore them whenever we get chance. The brief walk was therapeutic in every way.

After a time Rebekah followed to the edge of the woods and wanted to know where I had been. I tried to take her further into the woods, but she hesitated after venturing about 50 feet from the picnic area. “I’m scared to go farther,” she said, and with that this portion of the journey ended and any further discovery would only come from stories of one who had gone before, who had ventured deeper into the forest.

“I’m scared to go farther” arrested exploration and adventure. Imagined threats restrained the hope of knowing more. Fears of the unknown stopped her dead in her tracks. For the present time, she would have to rely on the experience of others and the stories they would bring into her imagination.

So many Christ followers state they want to “go deeper” but they are not willing to risk an adventure into woods that harbor the unknown. Imagined fears keep them from exploring God’s creation. They only understand “deeper” as it relates to books and stories, to testimonies of others, and to uncertain promises of God. They somehow think this is what “deeper” looks like. But they have never walked into the forest of God promises, they have never moved beyond the security of a local park and its picnic tables.  As a result, many leave themselves to believe that “deeper” comes from more Bible study, more sermons, more reading from the stories of others.

But the only way to explore the woods is to walk within them. Similarly, the only way to explore the promises of God is to live within them, to venture into the truths of God’s words by leaving the security of the present known, by dropping what hinders us from going on, and by faith venturing into the promises of the experiential unknown, but very real promises of God. Personal discovery comes from a personal walk by faith along the paths of the promises of God. What better way to know God than to get “lost” within His creation and to allow Him to expose you to the beauty of the spiritual world.

How many times do we stand at the edge of God’s promises and only wish we had the courage to enter into the reality of His world? Find someone who has knows the forest and can lead you along a journey of discovery with God. Or even better, venture into God’s forest on your own and discover the reality of his creation. The forest can be intimidating and full of fears that come with the unknown. Are you afraid to venture in because of what God might do to you, rather than what God can do through a life that exposes itself to adventures with God? A year has passed and Rebekah is no longer afraid to venture into the woods. Her fears have been replaced by the confidence gained from walking into the forest and experiencing what it offers to the one who embraces its beauty. We would say she has matured over the past year. I guess we would use the same word for those who grow spiritually in their discovery of God.

Bob

Some of you have been asking for an update on the medical stuff so here goes:

1. Will complete my radiation treatments (blasts to the brain) this Friday (once per day for 15 days has been the routine). Side effects have been significant fatigue and now hair loss. Had my head buzzed yesterday by a Suzie’s hair dresser. Am grateful for what left. Met with the radiation doctor today. He will wait a month or so, coordinate with the oncologist for scans to see what effect the treatment had.

2. Am finishing the second week of chemo (oral doses once per day). Side effects have been minimal for which we are grateful. It will be good not to go to the hospital every day since radiation is over.

3.  No major effects from any of the melonoma sites has manifested themselves yet so we are very thankful and in hopes that chemo will work to arrest the growth of these tumors.

4. Our family is so thankful for the prayers, encouragement, and support from so many. The meals have been particularly helpful with hospital runs on a daily basis. This ministry has taken a major load off of Suzie.

5. As I have walked through this process, I am so grateful for those who have gone before me, even to the point of suffering and dying in order for the medical community to come up with the technology and solutions that exist today. The various treatment options that are being used on my behalf did not exist when I was in engineering school. Microprocessors were a thing of the future and computers were too small, too slow, and too unsophisticated to be used in the way they are being used today. Many have suffered and even died in order for me to be the beneficiary of the techniques available today. Gratitude is a totally inadequate word to express what we feel.

6. Chemo will end in six weeks (around Dec 10). Then we will have the tests done to see what progress has been made. Thanks for all your prayers.

Bob

I have come to realize that the only thing I can really control is my own life. Two different celebrity types have voiced this opinion in recent news articles that I have come across. The irony and absurdity of these comments came to mind yesterday as I began my first of fifteen radiation treatments for lesions on the brain.

It’s not Hannibal Lecter, but my personal, formed fitted, nylon mask forces the head into a fixed position on the linear accelerator table. Pins attach the mask to the table, immobilizing the person so the radiation can be precisely applied to the target area. It’s a “mind game” to remove yourself from the pinning and think about something else.

The doctor has prepared a treatment protocol that will be executed by technicians under the precise control of a linear accelerator. The radiation dosages are calculated. The placement is prescribed. The radiation is released. The patient is the recipient of a prescribed treatment intended to control the growth of lesions. With melanoma, the word is control, not cure.

No one likes to be pinned down. But this kid hates it. I can’t get free and something else has a power over me that I cannot control. You close your eyes and pretend it is not there.

Which brings me to the statement that the only thing I can control is my own life?  If this is true, then why am I lying on a table undergoing radiation treatment for brain tumors? No one who has control would choose this experience much less a craniotomy, liver biopsy, more CT scans, chemotherapy, and a prognosis that offers little hope.  I do not control. What is left is my response. What could be left is entry into death. Think about it for a minute, especially if you are one who thinks you are really in control of everything.

Dead has a certain “look” to it. Bugs are good abundant examples; road kill is unavoidable, open caskets drive the point home. When I observe death, what strikes me is the “loss of control” for the victims. They have no power unto themselves. If the dead are to have any hope of a return to life then some “agent” outside of themselves must do something to them. This agent must have both the means and the ability to give them life. Otherwise they remained pinned to their table of death.

When you are diagnosed with melanoma cancer and pushed onto a journey that no one would choose, a search begins. The search looks to others for a cure, and begs one’s own body for a response. Control moves into the hands of others. You want only the best when life becomes serious, really serious, and even desperate. Decisions can’t be guesses. They must be right.

I have always been amazed at how casually people treat the certainty of their own demise and the eternal implications that are associated with it. Just as the search for a cancer cure drives one to best of the best, the hope of life beyond death should drive all of us to search for answers beyond own present predicament. And in this search, I must recognize that the “cure” has to come from an agent and power outside of me. After all, when you die you do lose control.

Eventually I forced to make a choice. Do I just hope for the best and hope that there is an agent, a God, that can fix this thing for me? You know, just hope that everything will work out in the end. It seems to me that this carries with it a huge risk that I could be wrong. Or do I just ignore the whole thing, hoping it will go away, but knowing it will not.

Of all the choices “out there, “if I had a choice, I would place my faith and hope in the agent (don’t be offended by the term) that not only is the author of life, has something to say about the way life is meant to be lived, offers hope for a life beyond death, but most importantly has the power to do something about it. That’s where I want my hope to lie. And there is one who offers such a hope.

I like what Christ said in John 10:18 ^“No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily. For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again. For this is what my Father has commanded.” Sounds like control to me. Sounds like He has the power to do something about death.

Again, in John 5 He says, “I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life. I tell you the truth, a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live. For as the Father has life in himself, so he has granted the Son to have life in himself. John 5:24-26, NLT.  Sounds like control to me. Sounds like hope to me.

In fact, if you have never spent much time thinking about Christ as the one is your only hope, read the Gospel of John. It is amazing what God has to say about life and eternity in this book.

So do I have control over my life? Well, I hope my brain responds to the radiation treatment. But I do not control this. I hope the body responds to the chemo. But I do not control this. My faith is in the medical community but even they admit they do not know how I will respond. They have only limited control.

But I have made one major decision. One calculated, reasoned choice to place my complete trust, hope, and eternal destiny into the one who is God and who promises that our trust in Him secures a hope beyond the grave and into His eternal presence.

Radiation treatments pin you to a mat, remove control, and expose you to the hope of ionized blasts from a linear accelerator. The technician reenters the room, unlatches you pins, removes the mask, and says, “You are free to go.” You pass through the door and back into your present life. Tomorrow you return to the pinning room and treatments are repeated. You give thanks to God for another day and for the hope you have in eternity. You are glad that the control of your life is in the power of the One who can do something about it. God doesn’t pin you down, but He does promise to raise you up into a new life. I will take that any day.

Well here goes with the latest medical update. After removal of the tumor on October 6, the next step is to attack multiple smaller lesions on the brain through radiation treatment. We met with the radiation oconlogist today, had a mask made for the treatments, another CAT scan in preparation for the treatment, and a scheduled visit on Friday for Xray of the brain and a “dry run.”

Radiation treatments begin next week, five days a week for three weeks. Hopefully, the radiation be beneficial in attacking the lesions.

Dr. Amin has decided to go ahead with chemotheraphy for the rest of the body. Will do a baseline CT scan early next week and then start chemo, 42 days of oral theraphy coincidental with the radiation treatments.

We are beginning our launch into attacking the melonoma. Hopefully, the body will respond and the growths will be arrested. Thanks again to everyone for your prayers and encouragment.

Bob

The news of cancer,,especially metastatic stage IV melanoma slams you when the doctor pronounces the diagnosis. As the word spread to friends, family, and business colleagues several asked me if I had asked myself “why,” or “why me?”

To be honest, “why” never occurred to me. “Why” never even made it to the table for discussion. Maybe it is resignation. Why spend your time on “why” when the train has run off the tracks. Better to gather yourself and prepare for what could lie ahead. But more significantly,if you really must delve into “why” you need to be careful with the schooling of your emotions. Is this cancer the result of some great sin in your life that God is judging? Is the cancer a genetic assault because you were born from family members who carried bad genes? Are you just an unlucky statistic at an unlucky time? What is the purpose of this unwarranted attack on your life? Does it even have purpose or must you build your own lonely purpose into the last chapter of your life? Wrestling with “why” can leave totally worn with no where to go.

Some look to God for an answer to “why.” But we must be careful not to superimpose our own imaginations or perspectives into judging the purpose of God in this. Who knows the purpose? No one told me I would be the carrier of a terminal disease. No one asked me for an opinion,no one sent me a menu of the “suffering buffer” from which to choose a meal plan.

The cancer showed up and life has changed. I have no idea what its purpose is in my life.If you become angry at your situation, and it seems to me that this would be perfectly normal, you begin to search for a place to put the blame. Why would God do this to me? Why does this happen to me when Ido not deserve it?

This “why” can quickly become very dangerous and debilitating in one’s life. If “why” is driven by anger and frustration it searches for a place to put blame. And blame if allowed to work begins to judge and assign motive to the object of its disaffection. You have heard it before. If God is a God of love then “why “ould He do this to me? And furthermore, if He did this to me then does He really love me, and is He the kind of God that I can trust. Blame judges and judgment can move one very close to playing God instead of worshipping Him.

If I am so arrogant to assign motives to God, then I rapidly distanced myself from who He is and the relationship I enjoy with Him.What is the purpose of this cancer? Again,I have absolutely no idea. Is there purpose in this? I am absolutely certain of this. God has shown Himself in so many ways that our whole family is left in wonderand amazement. The purpose may have nothing to do with me. But the result and the manner in which we live out this experience has everything to do with who we say God is in our relationship with Him.For those who know our family well, you have heard us say that one word that describes God’s working in our lives is His faithfulness.Since He has been faithful in the past “why” would we not expect Him to be faithful in the present and the future. Maybe this is “why”"why” never surfaced in my mind. When your trust is so complete, you don’t need to ask “why.” You just live with the very certain expectancy that He will lead you through the valley of the shadow of death or even better, into His eternal presence. 

Bob

Just wanted to update everyone on the latest.  There are so many of you that check in to the blog everyday.  It is very much appreciated.

Bob is scheduled to have his sutures removed on Monday, Oct. 19th.  The first meeting with the Radiologist is Wed., Oct. 21st.  Once these two appointments are completed then we will know the next steps.  We know that radiation is next before the chemotherapy can start.  Dad described it as before we can go on this trip we have to get the flat tire (brain tumor) fixed.  So I guess to stay with the analogy, we are packing the car and don’t know how long the journey will take.  We thank the Lord that the surgery went well so that we can get to the next steps (I guess).  You know the road ahead will be hard but the Lord continues to encourage in so many ways.

Many of you ask how can we help.  Well here you go.  This week we ask that you pray for:  REST – with the medication (mainly the steroids) it is very difficult to get several hours of continuous sleep.  He needs his strength to fight this fight.

If you will allow me (Scott) to ramble for just a moment…it is amazing the similarities between this fight with cancer and the fight we fight with sin. Cancer cells are good cells that have gone bad.  They get into the body and build, much like the sin that we let into our own lives.  Sometimes we let the sin/cancer go unaddressed for a period of time and then the process to weed it out becomes more and more painful the longer we neglect addressing it.  I know for me personally sometimes I’m not even willing to address because it seems like such a small thing at the time.  Now I’m having to go back and go thru spiritual radiation because I’ve let some of the areas get out of control.  I ask myself and I would ask some of you…are you willing to go thru radiation, chemo or even removal of an organ to improve my/your life in Christ.  Just a thought that I’m dealing with.

We hold on to Christ’s promises.  When we say that we are Christ followers, it has a meaning like never before.  We know that He has gone before us.

Thank you to each of you.

Finally home from the hospital. Great to be in your own bed and able to decompress some from the experience. No pain to speak of. Very large incision from my point of view, but I really had nothing to say about that part. Now to get through the surgery healing and move forward. Have to take it slow for a little while. To think, less that 48 hours ago I was in recovery from the surgery. Hospital staff was beyond great in every respect. Very thankful for the care given to our family by Carolinas Healthcare System in Charlotte.

Bob

New MRI done last night (1am this morning). Surgeon says it looks good with no new findings. Surgery went exactly the way the neurosurgeon planned so we are very grateful that the tumor came out easily and completely.

Catheter is out. (great !)

IV removed

Arterior line is out (Great!)

Should go home tomorrow sometime. Moving out of Neurointensive care this afternoon to the standard neuro floor.

Thanks to everyone for you love, prayers, and support of our family.

Will keep you posted as we move along and fight the melonoma.

Bob

We were in ICU today after the surgery and Dad was recovering well so Krista, Bill, Mom and I went to grab something to eat.  We reflected on the day and how good God is and how amazing it is to have your brain operated on and within a couple of hours be having a conversation.  In ICU you can only have two visitors at a time.  Mom and I went back first.  Dad, even after being in surgery all day, had words of encouragement and we discussed God’s involvement in these seeming “coincidentally” happenings.  It was really a special time.  I had to leave to get home.  Do you know the next thing he said to my mother??????  I really appreciate Scott being here?  I’m proud of my son?  Some other sentimental thought? NOPE none of the above.  What this wise man told my mother was………..(get this) “Don’t let Scott eat my banana pudding”

To any of you wondering how he’s feeling…..he’s doing just fine.

Once again, everyone has been so great.  My family and I feel like we have hundreds of people waiting for dad in our “virtual waiting room.”  Dad is doing really well.  He is talking and very coherent.  He is joking and feels good other than a dull headache.  This has been a long day.  Thanks again for your prayers and genuine concern.